http://www.hulu.com/watch/72438/saturday-night-live-barry-gibb-talk-show
Weekends are really too short
I have slept a ton this weekend. I feel like I am finally catching up on sleep… just in time to go back to work tomorrow. Stellar. That’s always the way with weekends, though- you just get into the swing of things, and then you’re thrust back into the work week, your fingernails dragging against the pavement as you are dragged by your feet from your warm, comfy bed in the dark early hours that can barely be called morning.
Something like this.
Anyways. I have two weeks to get through until spring break. I’m always happier when I’m on a break and have to time to settle in away from work. I don’t know if that’s a feeling I should heed, or if it wouldn’t matter where or what work I did, if I would feel that way. I do miss the flexible schedule of college life- of one day getting up early, but the next not having class until noon. I miss having time to meet friends for lunch, for having time in my day just to take a breath! To leave campus and run to the store or on some other errand- mini escapes, if you will. I miss walking across campus. I didn’t think I would miss that. I guess I don’t miss trudging through deep,cold snow in the winter time, but I do miss those moments of alone time to just take in the scenery or arrange all my thoughts, or catch up momentarily with a friend.
Anyways. Two weeks to make it through before a I get a brief reprieve- a prequel to summer break, if you will. Summer break- glorious time when I am the master of my work time and make own schedule, and I have time to rediscover who I am and enjoy life. But I can’t focus too much on that, or the time until I am free again will pass too, too slowly.
But spring break I can also live with. Things I want to do over spring break:
- Sleep in. Stay up as late as I feel.
- Clean my house.
- Read. I should make of list of things I need to read. Or maybe I will spend an hour or two at the beginning of break wandering aimlessly around the library.
- Get grad work done (I don’t really want to do this, but I’ll have to do this).
- Go to the aquarium on a day my friend is working as a pirate.
- Go for walks. Maybe bike rides, if I have my new bike by then.
- Wander around stores and shopping malls with no real agenda.
- Cook something great.
- Yoga. Run. Eat well. Feel really good about myself and my body.
- Play video games.
- Sit on my back patio. Drink a glass of wine, and unwind.
- Plan a cool birthday celebration for my boyfriend.
- Call and catch up with old friends.
- Do anything else I feel like doing.
- Don’t feel guilty if I don’t accomplish all these things on this list.
Puppets and Life Thoughts
I watched the documentary tonight, Being Elmo. What a great look inside the life of a puppeteer. Especially a muppeteer- I have loved the muppets ever since I was a little muppet myself, glued to my television set and feeding off PBS like it was the nectar of life. I cried when Mister Hooper died, dressed up for Maria and Luiz’s wedding, and I fell in love with Elmo at first sight. I put “Elmo doll” on my Christmas wish list long before “Tickle Me Elmo” was even dreamt up. (I finally got my long-ago-wished-for furry Elmo doll, but it was years later, when I was in college. He was my going away present the day that I moved into my first dorm room.)
Why is life so much more complicated when you get older? I have felt restless lately, tangled up in long days at work and the constant web that is contemplating what in the world to do with your life. I am told that I am still young and have time to figure out all these things, but I am a long way from wearing a flower hair clip and a pink bridesmaid’s dress in my parents’ family room on Venus Drive. Being happy goes from something that you wake up with and is tucked into bed with you at night, to being something that you seem to have to fight for against the rest of the world. Why are some people so mean? Why do bad things have to happen to people who are not bad? You have this idea of what growing up is, of what the world is going to be like when you get out there in the ‘real world’- but you find even more questions than you had when were 4 or 5. Instead of watching someone on television die, you watch your own grandparents slip away. Things you thought they would be there for, experiences you waited for to share with them, just never came to pass. Life is hard. There are good moments, and bad days, and nothing ever really goes as you planned- which can be good or bad, depending. And many days you come home from work or a party or wherever it was that you were at, and you think, “I have no idea what I’m doing.”
Sometimes I feel like a shadow of myself. I am shy and insecure. I thought I would outgrow this, but I’ve just gotten better at faking it. Is that all we’re doing- faking our way through life? I want to live, I want be open and free and show the world who I am, and to learn and see and taste and do everything I can in this life. Life can feel so fleeting at times, and even at only 27 I can sometimes feel like I won’t be able to do it all. I’m still standing at the bottom of that fabled fig tree, trying to make up my mind before all the figs shrivel up and leave me with naught. But I’m too scared to reach out or speak out or do whatever you need to do- everything feels just beyond my grasp, sometimes.
They say your twenties are a tumultuous time, and that in your thirties things begin to even out. I guess in a few years I’ll find out if that’s true or not. I’ve changed a lot from the person who I used to be, and in some ways I feel very mature and accomplished and adult-like, while other times I feel like I’m just making things up as I go along. Maybe that’s how life is- you just improvise with what you’ve got. I don’t know. I think too much- that I do know. Things can just feel too fast paced sometimes, too complex. I don’t want to deal with insignificant drama, on people and things that cause me stress and don’t matter in the grand scheme of this all-too-short life. I want to feel free, and open, and happy. Is that even possible in today’s world?
Anyways. I feel a bit better to get that written out. Heavy thoughts- they’ve been weighing me down for a little bit now. Maybe I’m just missing a creative outlet in my life right now.
Less heavy thoughts- I can’t watch Jeff Goldblum in something without thinking of Jurassic Park.
Run, Jeff, run!
Ok, that’s all for tonight. Thanks for indulging.
The Sunday Night Blues
Sometimes, I get this feeling.
No, not that feeling. Though sometimes I do get a good feeling- but this post isn’t about that feeling. This post is about the Sunday Night Blues feeling.
Ever get that? I really hate Sunday nights. It’s the end of the weekend, and it just feels like the end of the world.
Yeah- it’s kind of like that.
You think of all the things you didn’t get done over the weekend, or of the fun things you did do- and how the next 5 days are just not going to live up to what you just went through in the last 2. You think of all the things you have to do in the coming week, and you wonder how you are ever, ever going to be able to get all that done. And your heart races, and your mind does too. And you stay awake longer than you intended because you lost in your own black hole of despair of having to work and be an adult in the morning.
I took a couple career tests this weekend to see what I would be best suited for. I scored every time as the following two things: Arts and Teacher. The suggested job for me? Fine Arts teacher. I was hoping I would get something vastly different than that- it would explain why I have this overwhelming dread about me as I prepare for the week ahead. But I am supposedly in the field for which I am best suited. Then why all these feelings of sadness? I feel like I should enjoy my work more than I do- but sometimes the more I throw myself into what I do, the more discouraged I become.
On some Sunday nights, I start planning to run away. I look up plane fares and bus tickets to other cities. I calculate how much time I have until my next break. I look up job searches, and envision myself preparing tomorrow to go to one of those jobs.
Does anyone enjoy their work? I mean, besides just some moments. Does anyone jump out of bed in the morning with butterflies in their stomachs, ready to take on a new day? Maybe it’s the routine that’s got me down. I think there’s generally a week or two at the beginning of the school year that I am excited to go back. But how do I make that newness last?
And what is the cure for the Sunday Night Blues?
5 more minutes?
It is cruel to make people get up before 7 am.
I’m just saying- the world starts way too early. Why are we starting our days in darkness? I am not a fan of the mornings. Or rather, I am not a fan of the early mornings, which could probably still qualify as the wee hours of the night.
Until this rises, I should not have to rise, either.
Anyways. Just the thoughts of one school teacher. Seriously, I don’t wake up til around 4th or 5th period. Heck, there are many days when I go home after work, take a nap, and am not fully awake until 5 or 6 in the evening. Actually today I had rehearsal after school, came home and ate dinner, did some work, fell asleep around 7pm, woke up around 9pm, and am JUST NOW feeling awake for the first time today.
And now it’s time for bed. Well, fudge. Someday I may switch careers. I probably will always do something related to education, but a big factor in switching from teaching would be if I found a good job that started later in the day. No joke- I would do that. I might even take a (slight) pay decrease in the future for later starting hours. I like teaching (well… yes, the actual teaching I like- maybe not eeeeverything that goes along with it, but you know, the teaching part is pretty ok), but sometimes I yearn for an hour more of sleep.
Ok, that’s a lie. EVERY morning, I yearn for an hour or TWO more of sleep.
And forget about getting up early to workout or do really anything else before work most days. If I want to work out, I have to get up by 5am at the latest. If I want to give myself more time than that, do you know what time I have to get up? Somewhere in the 4 o’clock hour. FOUR AM?! There were nights in college I didn’t go to bed until 4 am! THAT IS DEFINITELY STILL NIGHTTIME!
Anyways. Hey there, blogging world. It’s been awhile since I’ve written. Call this one of those new year, new you kind of things, where everyone promises they’ll do things better than the last. Although this isn’t really a resolution- I’ve just missed writing, been busy with other life things, and other people are starting new blogs, which reminded me that I already have a blog that I have badly, badly neglected. So I’m gonna try and write again, although I’m taking grad classes online now as well, so that might cut into my time.
Or this blog will be a really good way to procrastinate doing said-grad work. I think that’s how my college blogs survived during undergrad… write a blog entry or a research paper. Actually I enjoyed writing research papers, too. Mostly.
Or maybe I can use this blog as a motivation to get up early in the morning, a good way to start my day.
Yeah, RIGHT.
Here’s a picture of someone who doesn’t have to be at work at 7 am, so she can get up and work out and watch the sunrise. She also lives by a beach. Lucky bitch.
Sleepless Somewhere East of Seattle
Sometimes when I can’t sleep, I wander around my house and try to fall asleep in different rooms. Sometimes this works, sometimes I just wander until I give up and toss and turn back in bed. Other nights, I do fall asleep somewhere else, then wake up in my own bed, not remembering how I got back there.
Fun times.
I haven’t blogged a lot (read: at all) recently. You would think I would have more time being on summer break. But that’s not true. Although my house is a little cleaner than during the school year…. so I do have more time for cleaning.
Writing is hard. Or maybe just finding the inspiration and the time to write is what makes writing so challenging. I took a Fiction Writing class in college where our professor encouraged us to write every day- even if what we wrote was crap. It was easy to write every day during that semester, because I kind of had to in order to have work to share in class. But in the real world, there isn’t a twice a week writing class that I am writing for. (I mean, I’m sure there is a class somewhere that I could take, but I don’t have the time. Probably not the money, either.) I tried last summer to write everyday… that lasted somewhere around two days.
*Sigh.* I have always wanted to be a famous writer. At this point in my life, I am not doing too well in achieving that goal. My writing to date includes:
-2, maybe 3 really solid short stories.
-A handful of good ideas/starts to short stories and plays… that will probably never be finished.
-A smattering of pretty decent poems.
-Lots of really bad poems written at 1 am when (ready for this?) I couldn’t sleep.
Sylvia Plath wrote a lot about insomnia. Maybe having sleeping trouble is a sign of genius? Although Sylvia Plath was well on her way to being a successful writer by the time she was my age. But Sylvia Plath also stuck her head in a gas oven at the age of 30.
Hmm.
It’s a good thing I live in an all-electric house.
Alrighty- off to another room in an effort to find sleep (don’t worry- it’s not the kitchen).
Tuesday Night Musings
Watching the movie Changeling… it was really interesting for the first hour or so, until the Canadian kid confessed to killing all the other kids, and now I’m kind of bored with it. Sad- and kind of scary- that this was based on a true story, though. I’m a little glad I wasn’t around in the 1920s… someone DEFINITELY would have had me thrown in the loony bin for being ‘hysterical’- aka not taking sh** from fascist authority figures.
Anyways. Today was my first day since break began that I didn’t have to be anywhere- no rehearsals, no school workshops or meetings. It was nice to have a day to myself- I can’t remember the last time that happened. Here is how I spent my first real day of break:
-Woke up at noon.
-Ate macaroni and cheese for lunch.
-Went to Target. Bought things.
-Got a smooooothie and a chocolate muffin from Robek’s– yum!
-Read on my back patio.
-Washed towels in the laundry and cleaned and put away the humidifiers for the summer.
-Had leftover spaghetti and leftover cupcakes (minus the frosting) for dinner.
-Watched the news.
-Went for an evening walk in the neighborhood.
-Took a quick shower and put on pj’s.
-Had some popcorn and a nectarine while watching Changeling.
Now there’s about 20 minutes left in Changeling, and I’m hungry again. Maybe I’ll make a grilled cheese sandwich or something. A lot of my day revolves around food, it seems. I don’t eat a lot at once, but I do eat at a lot of different times during the day. Oh, well- the proverbial ‘they’ say that’s better for your metabolism.
And speaking of good for you, reading is good for your brain- which is something I actually have time to do in the summer. Here’s a sample of what I’ve been reading so far:
I picked up The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo because it’s been a popular read for a while- and there’s a lot of hype about the movie, so I figured I would take a read myself. It was mostly an interesting story- the murder mystery bit was good, but I didn’t care a lot about the main characters. Especially the main guy, who slept with every female in the book. Unbelievable. Not from a feminist point of view… just straight up unbelievable- the guy had no real redeeming qualities to warrant women throwing themselves at him. Ridic.
Margaret Atwood is one of my favorite authors, so I picked up Alias Grace because I hadn’t read it yet. Based on an actual 1800s Canadian murder trial, the book swings back and forth between narration by the imprisoned Grace and the doctor who is examining her sanity. I liked the book a lot, although the ending took a bit of a confusing supernatural turn. Also not 100% believable, considering the rest of the novel remained pretty non-fantastical the rest of the time (there were one or two minor items, but the last item was just too major to be very believable, I think). Still, a good read.
This book I found at random, wandering through the bookshelves at the library. It’s a collection of short stories by the same author. I’ve read two so far- the stories all seem to take place in Beijing, and both main characters are very sad people. But compelling to read about. I love me some short stories, and so far I’m really liking Yiyun Li as a storyteller.
Ok, my movie is over. That was kind of sad. I think I’ll go make myself a grilled cheese (with a pickle) to cheer myself up.
…can’t you hear that boom badoom boom boom badoom boom bass?
Summer is almost here. People in the general public complain or joke all the time about teacher’s having all this time off in the summer, but I really think some kind of time off from teaching is necessary.
First of all, I’m not getting paid for the time off- as in I still get paychecks for time already worked during the school year, thankfully, but the time off is NOT a paid vacation. Nor is it fully a vacation- I’m still in and out of the school over the summer, doing training things and working in my classroom (cleaning up in June, going in throughout August to set up). And I work at home- for me specifically, this includes reading, selecting, and mapping out my plans for plays for the coming school year as well as getting organized and re-evaluating my lessons and course structure.
Am I constantly doing this over the summer? No- I work at a nice, leisurely pace… set my own schedule, take some time off to visit friends or clean my house or cook an actual meal- stuff I don’t have time to do during the whirlwind of the school year. And some summers I take college classes. Some teachers have second jobs during the summer. While I have been relatively unsuccessful in finding a real job in the summer, I still do summer theatre.
And I have time away from teenagers. Which means I come back in the fall, not wanting to wring their necks. Trust me- time away is needed. So yeah, some of it is a vacation… but some of it is just a restructuring of time- still doing work, but doing different kinds of work. And on my own schedule. I cannot stress the joy that bubbles up inside of me at the thought of setting my own hours. And being able to work from the comfort of my couch or whilst basking in the sun on my back patio. It’s a very freeing feeling, both in terms of being more relaxed as well as opening the floodgates of creativity (without being inhibited by unruly students who wear me down because I have to put more time and effort into disciplining them rather than educating them).
In other words, summer is very, very nice.
I also have time to work on my music library, finding and organizing my songs. Just like how as a director and actor, I like to find music that corresponds with certain scenes, I enjoy soundtracking my own life. Right now, I’m pretty into the following two songs for the summer:
The first one appeals to my indie, funky hipster side-
Foster the People Pumped Up Kicks
The other is more has more of a cool hip-hop dance feel-
Super Bass Nicki Minaj
I got a smoothie as an after work, almost summer treat today. I LOVE smoooooothies. Each day brings me a little closer to summer, which makes me happy. I can feel myself getting more relaxed. It will be nice to step out of the teacher role for a little while, and just allow me a little be of time to focus on me.
Here it Comes
It’s hot. I love hot weather… LOVE IT- the sun, the warmth, the breezes that lift my hair and my spirits and make me feel like I’m flying as it circulates through my car when I’m driving-
But hot does not make for good sleeping weather. I turned on my air too late, and my upstairs is stuffy. I don’t like to have the air on during the day- I hate cold, and I too much love having the windows open and letting summer in.
But now I can’t sleep. If this were a week and a half from today… no problem. I’d stay up til 4 am, then sleep in really late. Or get up at a decent hour and take an afternoon siesta.
Painting by Whistler- who knew he painted dames other than his mother?
But, alas- I have to arise at an ungodly hour tomorrow, and crowd control teach the rebels underclassmen. The last week of classes is always a struggle because the remaining students are miffed that the seniors left them behind. And because the seniors are done, the rest of them don’t think they should have to do any work either. *Sigh* Here’s hoping I have enough review material planned to at least keep them mildly complacent for four days.
But back to sleep. I could sleep downstairs on my couch, but that usually results in back problems. So I’m taking my other option, which is an easy one for me the night owl to fall into, and doing other things until I exhaust myself into slumber. So far I have run lines for the play I am (fairly successful- aside from one speech, I feel pretty confident to be entirely off book for tomorrow’s run), did some laundry (clothes are clean, though I have yet to put them away), picked out an outfit for work tomorrow (a blue dress that ties in the back with a pretty white bow), and now I am blogging. When I finish this entry, I shall retire upstairs and read until I fall asleep (currently reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo– it’s ok… kind of slow with a lot of exposition thus far, and like most pop reads, not quite living up the hype everyone gives it).
In honor of the beautiful weather today, I give you one of my favorite Beatles’ songs:
And here is the 5 day forecast:
| TonightMay 30 | Tue31 | WedJun 1 | Thu2 | Fri3 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
| Clear | Mostly Sunny | Partly Cloudy | Partly Cloudy | Partly Cloudy |
| — | 91° | 81° | 72° | 78° |
| High | High | High | High | High |
| 69° | 70° | 61° | 58° | 66° |
| Low | Low | Low | Low | Low |
| Chance of Precip: 0% |
Chance of Precip: 10% |
Chance of Precip: 20% |
Chance of Precip: 10% |
Chance of Precip: 20% |
Sun, sun, sun- here it comes!
Yeah.
Ok, I’m gonna try bed now. G’nite!
calicocas 