I have slept a ton this weekend. I feel like I am finally catching up on sleep… just in time to go back to work tomorrow. Stellar. That’s always the way with weekends, though- you just get into the swing of things, and then you’re thrust back into the work week, your fingernails dragging against the pavement as you are dragged by your feet from your warm, comfy bed in the dark early hours that can barely be called morning.
Something like this.
Anyways. I have two weeks to get through until spring break. I’m always happier when I’m on a break and have to time to settle in away from work. I don’t know if that’s a feeling I should heed, or if it wouldn’t matter where or what work I did, if I would feel that way. I do miss the flexible schedule of college life- of one day getting up early, but the next not having class until noon. I miss having time to meet friends for lunch, for having time in my day just to take a breath! To leave campus and run to the store or on some other errand- mini escapes, if you will. I miss walking across campus. I didn’t think I would miss that. I guess I don’t miss trudging through deep,cold snow in the winter time, but I do miss those moments of alone time to just take in the scenery or arrange all my thoughts, or catch up momentarily with a friend.
Anyways. Two weeks to make it through before a I get a brief reprieve- a prequel to summer break, if you will. Summer break- glorious time when I am the master of my work time and make own schedule, and I have time to rediscover who I am and enjoy life. But I can’t focus too much on that, or the time until I am free again will pass too, too slowly.
But spring break I can also live with. Things I want to do over spring break:
- Sleep in. Stay up as late as I feel.
- Clean my house.
- Read. I should make of list of things I need to read. Or maybe I will spend an hour or two at the beginning of break wandering aimlessly around the library.
- Get grad work done (I don’t really want to do this, but I’ll have to do this).
- Go to the aquarium on a day my friend is working as a pirate.
- Go for walks. Maybe bike rides, if I have my new bike by then.
- Wander around stores and shopping malls with no real agenda.
- Cook something great.
- Yoga. Run. Eat well. Feel really good about myself and my body.
- Play video games.
- Sit on my back patio. Drink a glass of wine, and unwind.
- Plan a cool birthday celebration for my boyfriend.
- Call and catch up with old friends.
- Do anything else I feel like doing.
- Don’t feel guilty if I don’t accomplish all these things on this list.
I watched the documentary tonight, Being Elmo. What a great look inside the life of a puppeteer. Especially a muppeteer- I have loved the muppets ever since I was a little muppet myself, glued to my television set and feeding off PBS like it was the nectar of life. I cried when Mister Hooper died, dressed up for Maria and Luiz’s wedding, and I fell in love with Elmo at first sight. I put “Elmo doll” on my Christmas wish list long before “Tickle Me Elmo” was even dreamt up. (I finally got my long-ago-wished-for furry Elmo doll, but it was years later, when I was in college. He was my going away present the day that I moved into my first dorm room.)
Why is life so much more complicated when you get older? I have felt restless lately, tangled up in long days at work and the constant web that is contemplating what in the world to do with your life. I am told that I am still young and have time to figure out all these things, but I am a long way from wearing a flower hair clip and a pink bridesmaid’s dress in my parents’ family room on Venus Drive. Being happy goes from something that you wake up with and is tucked into bed with you at night, to being something that you seem to have to fight for against the rest of the world. Why are some people so mean? Why do bad things have to happen to people who are not bad? You have this idea of what growing up is, of what the world is going to be like when you get out there in the ‘real world’- but you find even more questions than you had when were 4 or 5. Instead of watching someone on television die, you watch your own grandparents slip away. Things you thought they would be there for, experiences you waited for to share with them, just never came to pass. Life is hard. There are good moments, and bad days, and nothing ever really goes as you planned- which can be good or bad, depending. And many days you come home from work or a party or wherever it was that you were at, and you think, “I have no idea what I’m doing.”
Sometimes I feel like a shadow of myself. I am shy and insecure. I thought I would outgrow this, but I’ve just gotten better at faking it. Is that all we’re doing- faking our way through life? I want to live, I want be open and free and show the world who I am, and to learn and see and taste and do everything I can in this life. Life can feel so fleeting at times, and even at only 27 I can sometimes feel like I won’t be able to do it all. I’m still standing at the bottom of that fabled fig tree, trying to make up my mind before all the figs shrivel up and leave me with naught. But I’m too scared to reach out or speak out or do whatever you need to do- everything feels just beyond my grasp, sometimes.
They say your twenties are a tumultuous time, and that in your thirties things begin to even out. I guess in a few years I’ll find out if that’s true or not. I’ve changed a lot from the person who I used to be, and in some ways I feel very mature and accomplished and adult-like, while other times I feel like I’m just making things up as I go along. Maybe that’s how life is- you just improvise with what you’ve got. I don’t know. I think too much- that I do know. Things can just feel too fast paced sometimes, too complex. I don’t want to deal with insignificant drama, on people and things that cause me stress and don’t matter in the grand scheme of this all-too-short life. I want to feel free, and open, and happy. Is that even possible in today’s world?
Anyways. I feel a bit better to get that written out. Heavy thoughts- they’ve been weighing me down for a little bit now. Maybe I’m just missing a creative outlet in my life right now.
Less heavy thoughts- I can’t watch Jeff Goldblum in something without thinking of Jurassic Park.
Run, Jeff, run!
Ok, that’s all for tonight. Thanks for indulging.
Sometimes, I get this feeling.
No, not that feeling. Though sometimes I do get a good feeling- but this post isn’t about that feeling. This post is about the Sunday Night Blues feeling.
Ever get that? I really hate Sunday nights. It’s the end of the weekend, and it just feels like the end of the world.
Yeah- it’s kind of like that.
You think of all the things you didn’t get done over the weekend, or of the fun things you did do- and how the next 5 days are just not going to live up to what you just went through in the last 2. You think of all the things you have to do in the coming week, and you wonder how you are ever, ever going to be able to get all that done. And your heart races, and your mind does too. And you stay awake longer than you intended because you lost in your own black hole of despair of having to work and be an adult in the morning.
I took a couple career tests this weekend to see what I would be best suited for. I scored every time as the following two things: Arts and Teacher. The suggested job for me? Fine Arts teacher. I was hoping I would get something vastly different than that- it would explain why I have this overwhelming dread about me as I prepare for the week ahead. But I am supposedly in the field for which I am best suited. Then why all these feelings of sadness? I feel like I should enjoy my work more than I do- but sometimes the more I throw myself into what I do, the more discouraged I become.
On some Sunday nights, I start planning to run away. I look up plane fares and bus tickets to other cities. I calculate how much time I have until my next break. I look up job searches, and envision myself preparing tomorrow to go to one of those jobs.
Does anyone enjoy their work? I mean, besides just some moments. Does anyone jump out of bed in the morning with butterflies in their stomachs, ready to take on a new day? Maybe it’s the routine that’s got me down. I think there’s generally a week or two at the beginning of the school year that I am excited to go back. But how do I make that newness last?
And what is the cure for the Sunday Night Blues?
It is cruel to make people get up before 7 am.
I’m just saying- the world starts way too early. Why are we starting our days in darkness? I am not a fan of the mornings. Or rather, I am not a fan of the early mornings, which could probably still qualify as the wee hours of the night.
Until this rises, I should not have to rise, either.
Anyways. Just the thoughts of one school teacher. Seriously, I don’t wake up til around 4th or 5th period. Heck, there are many days when I go home after work, take a nap, and am not fully awake until 5 or 6 in the evening. Actually today I had rehearsal after school, came home and ate dinner, did some work, fell asleep around 7pm, woke up around 9pm, and am JUST NOW feeling awake for the first time today.
And now it’s time for bed. Well, fudge. Someday I may switch careers. I probably will always do something related to education, but a big factor in switching from teaching would be if I found a good job that started later in the day. No joke- I would do that. I might even take a (slight) pay decrease in the future for later starting hours. I like teaching (well… yes, the actual teaching I like- maybe not eeeeverything that goes along with it, but you know, the teaching part is pretty ok), but sometimes I yearn for an hour more of sleep.
Ok, that’s a lie. EVERY morning, I yearn for an hour or TWO more of sleep.
And forget about getting up early to workout or do really anything else before work most days. If I want to work out, I have to get up by 5am at the latest. If I want to give myself more time than that, do you know what time I have to get up? Somewhere in the 4 o’clock hour. FOUR AM?! There were nights in college I didn’t go to bed until 4 am! THAT IS DEFINITELY STILL NIGHTTIME!
Anyways. Hey there, blogging world. It’s been awhile since I’ve written. Call this one of those new year, new you kind of things, where everyone promises they’ll do things better than the last. Although this isn’t really a resolution- I’ve just missed writing, been busy with other life things, and other people are starting new blogs, which reminded me that I already have a blog that I have badly, badly neglected. So I’m gonna try and write again, although I’m taking grad classes online now as well, so that might cut into my time.
Or this blog will be a really good way to procrastinate doing said-grad work. I think that’s how my college blogs survived during undergrad… write a blog entry or a research paper. Actually I enjoyed writing research papers, too. Mostly.
Or maybe I can use this blog as a motivation to get up early in the morning, a good way to start my day.
Here’s a picture of someone who doesn’t have to be at work at 7 am, so she can get up and work out and watch the sunrise. She also lives by a beach. Lucky bitch.
Sometimes when I can’t sleep, I wander around my house and try to fall asleep in different rooms. Sometimes this works, sometimes I just wander until I give up and toss and turn back in bed. Other nights, I do fall asleep somewhere else, then wake up in my own bed, not remembering how I got back there.
I haven’t blogged a lot (read: at all) recently. You would think I would have more time being on summer break. But that’s not true. Although my house is a little cleaner than during the school year…. so I do have more time for cleaning.
Writing is hard. Or maybe just finding the inspiration and the time to write is what makes writing so challenging. I took a Fiction Writing class in college where our professor encouraged us to write every day- even if what we wrote was crap. It was easy to write every day during that semester, because I kind of had to in order to have work to share in class. But in the real world, there isn’t a twice a week writing class that I am writing for. (I mean, I’m sure there is a class somewhere that I could take, but I don’t have the time. Probably not the money, either.) I tried last summer to write everyday… that lasted somewhere around two days.
*Sigh.* I have always wanted to be a famous writer. At this point in my life, I am not doing too well in achieving that goal. My writing to date includes:
-2, maybe 3 really solid short stories.
-A handful of good ideas/starts to short stories and plays… that will probably never be finished.
-A smattering of pretty decent poems.
-Lots of really bad poems written at 1 am when (ready for this?) I couldn’t sleep.
Sylvia Plath wrote a lot about insomnia. Maybe having sleeping trouble is a sign of genius? Although Sylvia Plath was well on her way to being a successful writer by the time she was my age. But Sylvia Plath also stuck her head in a gas oven at the age of 30.
It’s a good thing I live in an all-electric house.
Alrighty- off to another room in an effort to find sleep (don’t worry- it’s not the kitchen).
I wish eating wasn’t essential. I don’t particularly like eating- but this is not an eating disorder confession. It has nothing to do with weight; I just don’t particularly enjoy eating.
This doesn’t mean I don’t like food- there are foods that I really enjoy, and when I smell them cooking or baking or just plain sitting, sure I’ll salivate. And there are times when I get reeeeally hungry- like after work when it’s still not dinner time, but I haven’t eaten since lunch at 10 am. And then I want to eat. But those are two different reasons for eating: desire and famine.
But plain old ordinary eating… it’s boring. And when I’m only a little bit hungry for a meal, then I don’t particularly have a taste for anything, and I’m just eating because supposedly it’s required of me throughout the day. This happens a lot in the summer- I just don’t get hungry as much. Part of it is because I can eat whenever I want to- I don’t have a solid work schedule to follow, so I eat a little bit here and there, and never feel the justification for a full meal. Part of it is the weather- when it’s hot outside, I get less hungry. Or I just want to eat fruit all day. And the rest of it is just laziness- both from not having as much to do in the summer, so I have less of a need for food fuel, and also because I just don’t waaaaaaanna. It takes effort to make a decision about what to eat, and then to make something to eat. And if I’m not that hungry to begin with, then why bother?
In other news, I’m going to start my Christmas/birthday list. I know it’s early, but I can never think of things I want when the time comes around, but then later in the year I’m all like, “Ah! I totally should have asked for (blank)!”
And recently I’ve thought of some of those things. Including:
-Bicycle (I’ve had mine since the 4th grade- it was my first bike without training wheels. The brakes are sketchy… at best… and the tires don’t seem to hold air anymore. I think I’m ready for a new one.)
-Camera (Something a little nicer than a simple point-and-shoot. Again, I’ve had this camera for a little while, and there have been upgrades and improvements since I got this one. I’d like something that would be better for taking stage shots when I’m directing- maybe a combination video camera? Or maybe that should be a separate item.)
-Handheld Drill. (Seriously. All I have of my own is a screwdriver. That takes toooo long. I need a power drill- lightweight, preferably. I’m a girl, after all.)
-iPhone…?(People- mostly my boyfriend- keep telling me I need one of these. I’m not sure yet. But I’m sure this is the way all phones are going anyways, and I held off on texting for a long time, too… We’ll see.)
That’s all I’ve got for now. I’ll let you know if I think up anything else. (And when the holidays DO roll around, someone please remind me of this list when I blog to complain about how I can’t think of ANYTHING that I want… thanks!)